my writing playlist

“We’re living in a repetition” is a great opening line to encapsulate Tyler’s existence in Chapter 1. He’s content watching baseball at Sunshine City with his grandpa and avoiding everyone his age, hoping to stretch the dog days of summer as long as possible. The chorus line “I’m at a loss for words” touches on Tyler’s struggle with speech fluency, always having the right words in his head but keeping them there. Green Day captures youthful malaise and angst as well as any band in rock and roll.

“Cuz I saw stars falling all around your head / When we were young / Sherry Fraser, where have you gone? / We’re all wondering when will you come back and play.” “Sherry Fraser” is the song I went back to the most for Tyler and Holly’s relationship, especially when Holly crashes into Tyler’s life in Chapter 2. There’s a nostalgia to the lyrics and a heart-rendering melody that capture the innocence and confusion of a first crush—and how those feelings will linger with us forever. The question of when she’ll come back touches on Holly’s arc later in the book, and the Lewis Carroll references mirror the rabbit hole Tyler is about to face. 

A lot happens in Chapter 3, namely the arrival of Devin, Erik, and the rest of the Fatalities who’ve tormented Tyler for years. 311, being one of the predecessors to nu metal—a genre that took over mainstream culture in the late 1990s with its blend of hard rock riffs and hip hop vocals—reflects Devin’s aggressiveness with Holly in the arcade. This first standoff sets a lot of subplots in motion, and I like to think Tyler starts his descent “down” the rabbit hole in the arcade.

No Weezer song meant more to me than “In the Garage” when I was a young teenager, and in the first half of Chapter 4, Tyler quotes the lines: “In the garage, I feel safe / No one care about my ways / In the garage, where I belong / No one hears me sing this song.” There are so many themes of the book wrapped up in those few lines: comfort in isolation; fearing the judgment of others; the safety of home; and the freedom of words when no one’s listening. This song expresses the calm before the storm of Tyler’s first day of middle school.

This song has always been about apathy and detachment to me, and Chapter 5 shows Tyler’s wish to stay invisible in school. As happens again and again in the story, Holly challenges Tyler’s detachment from engaging with his classmates in this chapter, and Tyler tries to stay out of the crossfire between Holly and the Fatalities, but a part of him knows he can’t stay silent forever.

Listening to R.E.M. has always quietly stressed me out. There’s an unsettling quality to their music, and it’s never more present than in “Shiny Happy People.” Hidden between the sugary pop melodies and overly glowing lyrics lies a deeper, subversive truth that is pique ‘90s irony. This paradoxical song fits well with Tyler’s decision to step out of the shadows and join forces with Holly—while demanding total secrecy from her.

For Tyler’s brave launch into Act 2, I needed a song that conveyed the relief he feels when going to school with a purpose. Fatboy Slim’s ’90s anthem helps propel the main plot with its unrelenting forward motion and unbridled joy.

This song feels like the hug a friend sends you from afar. “I love all of you / Hurt by the cold / So hard and lonely, too / When you don't know yourself.” These lines reflect Tyler’s state in Chapter 8, the delicate moment he helps Holly begin to gather the nice kids in class around her cause. Tyler has watched these characters get bullied over the years like he has, and he appreciates their quiet talents and hopes they’ll get to showcase them during the upcoming school project.

There was no more confusing hit song in the 1990s than “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm.” The bizarre lyrics and overly dramatic chorus express a series of vignettes about children with differing abnormalities. The strangest part of the song came after its release, when suddenly the Crash Test Dummies were on Saturday Night Live and played on loop on MTV. Much of Chapter 9 is about confusion and discomfort. Tyler’s mom is confused by his need to pull out his old baseball clothes for a school project about Thomas Jefferson, and Tyler wonders how he found himself trapped with a speaking part in the performance. This is the first of many times Holly will gently nudge Tyler into the flow of middle school.

Sonically, “Roam” by the B-52’s unintentionally nails the mystique and wonder of walking into a party full of people you don’t know. This song is overtly about travel, but the greater meaning is about running to new experiences. In Chapter 10, when Tyler and Holly dress as Buddy Holly and Mary Tyler Moore for the Halloween party at Sunshine City, Tyler shows his willingness to follow Holly into unchartered territory.

“Let Down” is a deeply personal song to me, and when Tyler begrudgingly agrees to try out for the school chorus to help Holly’s campaign, he’s forced to perform a personal act in front of others (singing) while reflecting on the person who had taught him (his late grandma). Radiohead is the master of melancholy and fleeting hope, and both themes are competing with each other in this chapter.

This chapter centers around Tyler’s mom, someone who’s dealt with teen pregnancy and single motherhood with grit and defiance. Sheryl Crow’s anthem embodies her essence, and I leaned on this song a lot for scenes with Mom. In Chapter 12, Mom says “It’s a very nice thing you’re doing for Holly. I just hope you’re also doing things for you. To make yourself happy.” Tyler’s response surprises them both: “Holly makes me happy.”

Chapter 13 is the unofficial midpoint of the novel, where Tyler is thrust into the spotlight in hopes of helping Holly win over more voters. This scene is largely about the trepidation and frenzy and triumph of a school show, and “Tonight, Tonight” is the ultimate song for any life-changing night. The lines “And our lives are forever changed / We will never be the same” ring true for Tyler after his solo performance.

In this chapter, Tyler learns Holly will be challenging his former best friend, Erik, for class president. The haunting melody and sense of inevitability in “Ready or Not” speak to the challenges Tyler will face in the second half of the novel, forcing him to face wounds past and present as he pushes forward. You can’t hide, indeed.

The dynamics in “Big Empty,” from the quiet and vulnerable verses to the soaring choruses, suit the tumult in Chapter 15. Tyler finds the holiday break to be deflating and alienating (“Time to wait too long / to wait too long / to wait too long”) from his newfound friendships—missing school is a feeling he’s unfamiliar with—so he calls Holly while she visits her mom back home in Kansas City. The fluency struggles he has with Holly’s mother on the phone leads her to tell Holly “the Stuttering Boy” is on the phone. As much as Tyler wants to reconnect with Holly, he’s reminded how alone it can feel to be a person who stutters.    

Surprise! Somehow the most famous song by Weezer, whose title is also the name of the book, made my writing playlist. In Chapter 16, the pain and frustration Tyler feels over his stutter—and the alienation from others it causes—boils over when Mom tries to comfort him. Old wounds from his father and the existence of a new man in his mom’s life fester in this chapter, just as they do in Weezer’s masterpiece.

Chapter 17 begins with a big announcement from Ms. Borland and the buzzing energy of coming back to school after winter break, and it narrows by the end to Tyler and Holly exchanging gifts with each other. This song works well here because it’s also about stripping away grandiosity and returning to the simple truth of wanting to be around the other person. Tyler and Holly might not fully realize it at the time, but the gifts are their way of expressing this same truth.

Chapter 18 is, in many ways, Tyler’s answer to the pressure building in chapters 16 and 17. Trying out for the baseball team to help Holly’s chances of winning the election forces Tyler to confront conflicts in his past, and his temporary solution to the anxiety he’s feeling is to practice. “Turn It On” feels like a plea to find catharsis wherever you can find it, and for Tyler in Chapter 18, his catharsis is fielding groundballs with his mom’s new boyfriend.

When Holly asks Tyler in Chapter 19 about his favorite memory of playing baseball, he recounts a time when the sprinklers accidentally went off during a game. Instead of continuing playing, Tyler and Erik slid in the mud, a pure expression of delirious joy. “Dreams” by the Cranberries conveys this same sense of euphoria. Without Tyler and Holly realizing it, Chapter 19 is the last one before their plan is exposed, so “Dreams” encapsulates the innocence that will be lost in later chapters.

And epic song for an epic chapter. The haunting and foreboding intro to “Two Step” reflects Tyler and Holly’s uneasiness while standing around and waiting for Erik’s campaign rally. The song juggles opposing forces (awareness of our mortality vs. living optimistically), and though Tyler and Holly go through a traumatic confrontation with the Fatalities, there’s a lot of beauty in how they protect each other in this scene. He doesn’t know it yet, but going through this difficult moment will eventually set Tyler free.

This song, much like Chapter 21, is about perseverance. Tyler and Holly collect themselves after getting attacked by the Fatalities, reaffirming their commitment to winning the election—and to each other. Holly has lived the credo of “I get knocked down, but I get up again / You’re never gonna keep me down” throughout the book, and now Tyler will find his own resilience after being outed as Holly’s confidante.

Following the disaster of Chapter 20, Tyler finds the courage to eat lunch in the cafeteria with a table full of his friends. The lighthearted moments with Big Mike and Natalie and others are expressed well in “What I Got,” a song dedicated to gratitude and finding contentment through companionship and love.  

Devin’s cruelty crescendos in Chapter 23 as he traps Tyler into public speaking at their first baseball game. While the Pledge of Allegiance exposes Tyler’s stutter to a large group, our protagonist feels the youthful isolation and shame Eddie Vedder sings about in “Daughter.” In this dark moment, Tyler searches for Holly in the stands, but she’s gone.

All is lost for Tyler in this chapter. Holly’s gone, and though he isn’t going through a traditional breakup, Tyler’s devastation is heard through Sinead O’Connor’s angelic voice in this wrenching song about loss and the emptiness that follows.

In this chapter, Tyler questions everything. Should he have risked angering the Fatalities by helping Holly? What was the point now that she won’t win? Was it all worth it? This confusion is echoed in the 4 Non Blondes’ anthem “What’s Up.” Just as the singer yearns for her circumstances to change, so does Tyler, and he finds a nugget of wisdom from his grandpa that helps him move forward.

No proper ’90s playlist would be complete without Nirvana. “All Apologies” sounds like it was written in an English garden: “In the sun, in the sun / in the sun I feel as one.” Coupled with the bright and innocent lyrics comes a somber cello weaving throughout the melody, and parts of “All Apologies” directly inspired the idea of Tyler’s act of rebellion on the baseball team, sliding in the mud when the field gets drenched by sprinklers. “All Apologies” is a freeing song on a complicated album, and Tyler’s decision to defy the Fatalities in this scene gives him the confidence and sense of freedom he’ll need before the end of the story.

Without Holly to guide him, Tyler is alone in his decision to take the biggest gamble of his life. “I Alone” is not about loneliness, as the title might suggest, but is actually about devotion and love—two concepts embodied by Tyler’s courageous choice in Chapter 27 and his brave acts to come. 

There’s a lump in Tyler’s throat as he takes the stage in Chapter 28, and the thumping drumbeat in the Presidents of the United States of America’s classic mirrors Tyler’s pounding heart as he faces his greatest fear: speaking in front of his classmates. “Lump” is frantic and surreal, and Tyler’s inner state is in upheaval as he runs out of time in this chapter.

Yes, Tyler and Holly drew inspiration from this song back in Chapter 10, but Chapter 29 centers around the infectious chorus of “Buddy Holly.” There’s an undercurrent of being protective in the song, and while Tyler tries to protect Holly’s legacy, his classmates are there for him in his greatest hour of need. “Buddy Holly” is also about embracing one’s quirks, and Tyler begins to own his struggles with speech fluency in this chapter.

Tyler has broken apart the social structure of his class by Chapter 30, and “Cannonball” captures some of the reckless abandon he feels by calling out Erik and watching his old friend admit defeat. As chaotic as the song can be at times, there’s also a glowing hope pulsing through the explosions, just like Tyler feels after hearing the election results.

It would be difficult to have a ’90s playlist without Alanis, and her ballad is the perfect soundtrack for Tyler and Holly’s reunion in Chapter 31. They’ve been through so much together and care about each other very much, much like the singer and the object of her affection in the song. There’s a maturity to the lyrics that might seem out of place, but I believe Tyler and Holly are more mature by the end of the story. Alanis’ choice of “feet” instead of “heels” in the title and chorus gives the song a more grounded reality than the cliché term “head over heels,” and I like to think Tyler is more grounded in his new life by the end of this chapter.

When Tyler runs triumphantly around the bases in Chapter 32, he might as well be singing “How strange it is to be anything at all.” This song is about the beauty of life and its fleeting moments, and I love picturing Tyler on the baseball field surrounded by those who love him. The moment might be fleeting, but his new reality will endure.